When Colleagues Complain: How Self-Aware Leaders Turn Criticism Into Growth

This old joke often comes to mind when managers reach out to me after receiving complaints about their behavior.
Since I work with value-based leadership, I actually find it a good sign that more leaders want to discuss these issues during review season.

Typically, a senior manager gets a subtle warning from their superior that some critical comments will appear in their review.
That’s when the manager calls me at lightning speed — not to reflect, but to plan how to reject the complaints and express outrage at this “unfair attack.”

Do you also see yourself as someone who delivers great results but doesn’t always invest in the people side of leadership?

“I’m doing an excellent job; this is what I’m paid for. Honestly, I couldn’t care less about how others are doing or if they have a nice day.” – client quote

If you lead others, doing a great job also means demonstrating strong interpersonal skills.
You can, of course, choose to focus solely on the excellence of your work and the results you deliver. That’s a valid choice — but in that case, a people-leadership role may not be the best fit for you. You might thrive as an expert or individual contributor instead.

However, if you decide to lead others, what truly matters is not only the quality of your work, but also the values and principles you embody — and how consistently others see you living by them.

Since this topic has become increasingly common in coaching conversations, let’s go through some first-aid basics:
As your coach, I don’t know what happened, and I’m not here to decide who’s right or wrong. Don’t expect me to play the judge — especially not the one who confirms that you’re right.
What I do know is this: you have an image issue, which may well be connected to a behavioral one.

So, the real question is — how can you change others’ perceptions and strengthen your interpersonal skills?
Let’s assume you’re preparing for your performance review, and you already know that complaints about your behavior will come up.

Here’s what to do:

1. Listen first

In any conversation — especially during a performance review — your best strategy is to listen first and listen carefully. It’s the only way to truly understand what’s happening around you.

Once you’ve listened, you may want to respond. But before speaking, pause and ask yourself:

“Is it worth saying what I want to say?”

Let me help you here: if your instinct is to prove that you’re right and everyone else is wrong — don’t. It’s irrelevant. The verdict is already in, and one fact remains: your colleagues have complained. This means their perception of you differs from the image you believe you’re projecting.

2. Say “Thank you” and apologize

You’ve just received valuable information — a mirror reflecting how others see you. That insight will help you grow, so gratitude is the right response.

Your next task is simple: say “Thank you” and then apologize.

How? Just say:

“I’m sorry.”

That’s it. No explanations. And absolutely no “but” or “however.”

Since the goal is improvement, the only additional sentence you may add is:

“I’ll do my best to be better in the future.”

With that, your performance review conversation about behavior is complete.

3. Ask: “How can I be better in the future?”

Now it’s time to move forward. Start by turning to people you trust — those who will be honest with you and whose feedback you’re ready to hear.

You’re not inviting an audit of every past mistake; the past belongs to historians, not to those who want to improve. Instead, ask for constructive input about your behavior:

“I’m trying to change. How can I be better in the future?”

4. Make your choices

Once you’ve received ideas and feedback, remember: you don’t have to act on everything at once. It’s your decision what you can — and want — to change.

If you genuinely aim to improve your image and relationships, start with the changes that will make the biggest difference in how others experience working with you.

5. Communicate your intention to change

Improvement only matters if others notice it. You could behave perfectly for six months, but one slip into old habits may instantly confirm, “Once a jerk, always a jerk.”

So, tell people about your intention to change. Explain what you’re focusing on and how you plan to do it. When others know your goals, they’ll be more likely to see and appreciate your progress.

6. Follow up

Then, follow up regularly. Ask your team and colleagues:

“Remember when I said I’d start recognizing great work more often? How do you think I’m doing?”

Two powerful effects come from this:

• You’ll stay committed, because you know you’ll be checking in.
• If they say they’ve noticed improvement, they’ll truly believe it — because it’s their observation, not your declaration.

What to do next

If you still believe you’re right and want to prove that others are wrong, please — don’t contact me.

But if you’re ready to look in the mirror, accept what is, and grow from it, I’d be thrilled to support you on that journey.